Haven't been here for a while, not quite got used to the idea of blogging yet, I have a friend who does it practically every day.

I suppose one of the reasons I haven't blogged, is that at the moment (couple of months or so) I've been suffereing bouts of depression and I have hit the blackest hole ever, for me .

And yet I feel that I really have nothing to be depressed about.

I know one thing for certain though and that is I am at risk of losing the closet adult friend I've ever had through it.

Can't help feeling being let down by friends and family and the more I feel this, the worse I seem to behave. Where in actualality they are probably being supportive and trying to help and I just can't see it.

I refuse to take medication for the risk of becoming dependent up on them.

I do see a counsellor, but at the moment because of the christmas season, by the time I see her again, it will have been 3 weeks. Seeing her really helps, but have been seeing her weekly therefore feel this break has been too long.

I am also trying to meditate more, not really used to doing this, so not really sure what to do. But it does try to make me lookin with my self to find the answers and to see what kind of person I am. Don't like what I'm seeing at the moment. I can see that I have become trapped in a cycle of, bitterness, anger and self loathing and I can is that it is very destructive to myself and those around me. This cycle that I have become caught up in, is hopefully, not me. I am normally a very forgiving person, I would normally have time for people and if anyone needed help I would normally be very willing to help people ....... this is the person I want back. At the moment I feel the jar is empty, with nothing to give, I want to be able to fill it back up and be the person I once was.

Any suggestions would be very welcome.

I have been trying to think of positive affirmations to help .. but am stuck as to what to say, so again any thoughts would be welcome.