Sunday, 6 January 2008

Quiet day around here today. Lily went of to Marlene's late yesterday afternoon and is there till mid-afternoon tomorrow.

So there is lots and lots of quiet to do some thinking about life, the people in our lives and the things that we do to each other, the pain we cause, expectations that we have of one another, whether they are realistic expectations or not. I have been desperately unhappy of late, having depression, but during this bout I have hurt some people badly on an emotional level. For which I deeply regret and am hugely sorry for.

A while back I posted on a blog that I felt angry about something, I have come to realise that it was possibly not anger but disappointment and because I could not express my self clearly it projected it self as anger. I've learnt a very very difficult lesson this week and it has come with a huge huge price tag and has left me reeling. I have realised that when you set out to look for help and answers that very often the help and answers are not where you had hoped / or expected to get them .... leading to the disappointments and that in the majority of events one should look to the self for the answers . Looking to friends and family for help and answers, especially those who you have deepest respect and love for is just a recipe for huge disappointment and angst, feelings of being let down by those closest to you, which places an untold amount of strain on any friendship / relationship . I need to look to myself to find the answers and stop the progression of destruction.

On a brighter note today has been really beautiful in respect of the weather, so much so that Patch I took our selves of for a 2 hour walk around Hardwick Hall, I have always really liked this place, but even more so at the moment. The amount of people who stopped and chatted to me was amazing, for me, almost spiritual in some respects. People generally seemed a lot happier to be out and about on a lovely day. One elderly couple stopped me and chatted for about 20 Min's, telling where they lived, and about coming to Hardwick when the were young children and telling me lots of the history. This is apparently the family vault, and when the elderly gentleman was a teenager the vault used to be regularly vandalised and broken into for the lead caskets. What an eery thought.

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